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What to do at the last Tour de Fat

Tears stream down my face as I type this — enough to convert the Nile from a fresh to salt water river — because this weekend's Tour de Fat in Tempe is the last. 

Not forever, of course. We'll be back next year, romping from city to city, leaving chemtrails of beer vapor, bicycle affection and good vibes in our wake. But next year's TdF is a long winter away, and there's still so much I haven't seen during my four months running around with the best bike and beer festival in the world.

So I made a short list of things I want to do at the Tempe show, because I likely won't be able to again for a very long time. And I figured, "Hey, if I think this stuff is awesome, maybe the bike-loving, beer-drinking public of Tempe (and, beyond that, the world) will, too."

So here it is, some stuff I think is exceptionally worthwhile:

1. Watch a couple shows in the Le Tigre Tent

The Le Tigre Tent is one of my favorite layers to the Tour de Fat. To begin with, it's intimate. At an event that can attract 20,000 attendees, intimacy is a big, big deal. It's also where some of the weirdest performances in all the Tour take place (a good example being the above picture of SSSSnake.) Is it family-friendly? Not always. In fact, it's not even adult-friendly half the time — but it's always adult-fun. 

Squirm Burpee Tour de Fat

2. Catch the Squirm Burpee Circus

I'm not sure why, but I have somehow missed the Squirm Burpee Circus every time it has joined the Tour de Fat in 2013. Which sucks, because the Squirm Burpee Circus is incredible. That assessment is based on the bits that I've caught while walking from one event to another and first-hand accounts from those who have seen it. 

Tour de Fat Portaoke

3. Sing in the Portaoke

The Portaoke is a funny prop at the Tour de Fat. Some people love it, some people are absolutely repulsed by it (though I can't figure out why.) I'm in the camp that finds this to be among the funniest things ever made by humans. But alas, I have never sung in this toilet. Other toilets? You bet, though I Probably should have kept that to myself. I'm going to feel empty until I belt "My Heart Will Go On" in the Portaoke.

Tour de Fat music box

4. Lose my mind in the Music Box box

The Music Box box: it's a pretty harmless concept to fill a big box you can stand in with a bunch of tiny music boxes. For me, however, it's a terrifying proposition. It's scary in the same way that the "Chucky" films are scary, or even Furbies, for that matter. For this reason I have stayed away — I even had to get this picture from Juicebox. That all changes Saturday, though. Music Box box, I will conquer you — and my fear — Saturday.

So that's my to-do list for Tempe. What's yours?

Until next time — Nic The Intern